Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, if left unchecked, will result in adverse, long term and often life-long physical and emotional consequences for the child, the child's siblings (if any) and extended family members. Without effective intervention by the courts and the community, Hostile-Aggressive Parenting may cause the parents to remain embroiled in bitter conflict lasting for many years.

Not only will Hostile-Aggressive Parenting affect the children and the parents but the entire community in which the family lives. In a study by Statistics Canada, hostile parenting has been identified as the most damaging form of child abuse. Children will perform poorly in school and will be lacking in the social skills needed later in life to be contributing members of society.

Statistics

One of the most serious and far reaching consequences of a child's exposure to Hostile-aggressive Parenting over a period of time is a psychological condition which the child may develop called Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS. In many situations Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is so unrelenting and the child's awareness that the parent having control of them is so great, as to cause the child to begin to hate or fear their other parent and members of the other parent’s family.

Under such conditions, a child is literally programmed by the hostile-aggressive (or alienating parent) to embark upon a campaign of denigration against the "hated" (or targeted) parent and the targeted parent’s family unit. The child exhibits little if any ambivalence over their hatred, which often spreads to the extended family of the allegedly despised parent.

Not only parents, but once loved grandparents and even other siblings can become the “enemy” of a child who has been brainwashed by a parent into believing that everyone who is associated with the “targeted” parent is bad and is to be avoided.

In today’s political climate where mothers obtain sole custody of the children most of the time, it is, not surprisingly, that it is mothers who are reported to initiate such programming most of the time, while fathers and their extended families are the targets of such abuse.

Sole custody transfers such awesome legal power on to one parent, that it is easy to understand how it can be abused, especially in the hands of someone driven by anger and vengeance against the child's other parent. This is one of the contributing factors that  explains why so many fathers and their families are missing from the lives of children today.

It must also be noted, however, that in a small percentage of cases, the father is the primary programmer and the mother comes to be viewed as the “hated” parent. Research, however, shows that fathers are far more likely to include the mother in the parenting of the child than is the mother to involve the father.

In situations where Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is severe, children themselves may also exhibit the same behavior as the hostile-aggressive parent and actually participate in this behavior with the hostile-aggressive parent. The children may join together with the hostile-aggressive parent in a bizarre relationship in which they all share in the denigration of the other parent.

Quite often the hostile-aggressive parent will chose friends or people they know who will accept their side of the story without questioning them. They will search out to find day care providers who will side with them or bend the truth in their favor to help them make things difficult for the other parent.

The daycare workers these parents choose often are ones who they know will not get "involved" to help resolve problems or will keep silent about reporting irregularities involving the children. Such daycare providers become, in effect, collaborative supporters to child abuse.

12) Choose third parties over the other parent to care for the child when he/she is ill and not in school, regardless of the other parent’s availability and willingness to care for the child.

The hostile-aggressive parent will use every opportunity to keep the other parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or other parent so at times such as when the child is ill, the HAP will hire a babysitter in preference to allowing the other parent to care for the child.

13) Deny access to the children by pretending that they are too sick or they have too much homework, or delay their availability.

The hostile-aggressive parent will use every opportunity to keep the other parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or other parent.

14) Create difficulties for the children to see the other parent on special occasions.

Raising a child in a hostile-aggressive parenting environment is, without a doubt, one of the most serious forms of child abuse imaginable. The behaviors of HAP parents can seriously affect their children's emotional, social, and intellectual development in many ways.

To those with the knowledge to identify HAP, most children living under the influence of an HAP parent will exhibit some signs of being adversely affected. It must be emphasized that no specific behavior problem observed in a child can be assumed to indicate that the child has been abused in any particular manner or even abused at all.

Some of the signs observed in children can be misleading to those without knowledge and experience in HAP to the point where outside third parties, even professionals who are unfamiliar with HAP, may be totally misled initially and in some cases misdiagnose the behaviors. In one case a child may be reacting in one way, yet another child will react in a totally opposite way.

Although HAP is a behavior is often looked as an issue affecting only the parents, by its very nature, HAP is a form of child abuse and neglect. Neurodevelopmental research (Glaser, 2000; Schwarz and Perry, 1994) suggests that child abuse and neglect can affect brain development at critical and sensitive periods.

Abuse and maltreatment of children through HAP behaviors can have lasting effects on a child's cognitive, emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal functioning (Glaser, 2000). HAP must be taken very seriously for it can significantly affect the child for his/her lifetime.

In many cases, it is not unusual for a child to exhibit signs of affection and love towards a HAP parent at some times which can be very confusing to the occasional or untrained observer who may see the child showing affection to the HAP parent at some particular time. Psychologists have recognized for years that even children living under the care of abusive caregivers, often will have deep seated loyalties to those who may be physically and emotionally abusing them.

Most children often long for the love and approval from their caregivers so it is not uncommon for a child who is being abused by an HAP parent to be seen showing affection at some times to their HAP parents.

Where an HAP parent has been successful in alienating the child from another parent, the child may have the HAP parent as the only source of what the child perceives as love and affection. In reality, the behaviors of many HAP parents cause the child to develop an emotionally dependency on the HAP parent, which in itself is not healthy for the child.

The presence of HAP is more precisely determined by analysis of the child's overall behavior patterns and the overall parenting patterns of the HAP parent over a period of time and also reviewing the associated risk indicators. Evaluating HAP can be very deceiving to unsuspecting observers, especially when children have been coached or have been made to have fears of their hostile-aggressive parent or guardian.

Therefore, in order to provide greater accuracy in determining the presence of HAP and identifying who the perpetrator of the abuse is, it is important that conclusions be based on known behavior patterns of the child and parents/guardians over a period of time so that the behavior patterns of the HAP parent can be identified.

Note: Because the behaviors of children can be misleading if looked at in isolation, it is important that the observable effects on children as listed in this section be cross referenced with the known behavior patterns of the parents.

For example, an HAP parent may complain about a child who is misbehaving and creating problems every time the child returns from the noncustodial parent’s home. The HAP parent will then claim that the child's behavior is because of the influence of the non-custodial parent and then using this reasoning, may attempt to further restrict the child's access to the non-custodial parent.

Often, many professionals agree with this position without looking at the behaviors of the parent who is complaining and as a result great harm is done to the child. However, if the situation is carefully analyzed by looking at the behaviors of the parents and involved extended family members, it may be found that the HAP parent and his/her family has an extensive history of interference with the child's relationship with the non-custodial parent.

These observable signs are affected by the age of the child and the intensity of the hostile aggressive parent’s campaign. Sole custody and control of a child can be a significant barrier to the evaluation of HAP. A child is at greatest risk when sole custody of the child is in the hands of a parent who is hostile and aggressive to the other parent.

Sole custody in the hands of such a person, when there would appear to be another caring parent available, is often nothing more than a license to emotionally abuse the child. A non-custodial parent, even if they may have tendencies towards HAP, are not in an position to influence a child to any great extent as the custodial parent can easily take steps to reinforce their control over the child and diminish the non-custodial parents influence over the child.

Below are some examples of the widely-varied indicators that may be observed in a child who is being adversely affected by Hostile-Aggressive Parenting:

High levels of conflict and behavioral between the child and the custodial HAP parent

High levels of conflict between a child and the custodial parent, especially about parenting time and/or communication with the non-custodial parent, are almost always a sure sign that the custodial parent is an HAP parent. A determined child will often rebel against their custodial parent and create all kinds of problems when they feel that their natural wishes and desires to see or to communicate with their other parent are being interfered with by the HAP parent.

This is a natural reaction which is often a result of the child's frustration and a desire to have their wishes and preferences respected.

Children, especially children above the age of 7 to 8 may begin to show anger directed at their custodial HAP parent. Children at this age begin to come out of their shell and begin to develop a greater ability to reason and to differentiate right from wrong. Children who are being adversely affected by a custodial parent’s Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, may at this age begin to start speaking of what it is that is bothering them and start challenging the authority of the HAP behaviors of their parents.

They may become defiant and aggressive with the custodial parent, especially after they first go back to the custodial parent’s home after a visit with the non-custodial parent.

Children at this age often begin to see that what their custodial parent has led them to believe about their non-custodial parent is simply not true. They may become angry for being lied to by the HAP parent. Children when questioned, if they have not developed a fear or an emotional dependency of their custodial parent, will be able to speak out and clearly say what it is that is bothering them.

They may begin to speak about some of the things that the custodial parent may be doing that are listed in this document as being HAP behaviors. In some situations, children may even start to create incidents in an attempt to have their custodial parent get in trouble with authorities.

Left unresolved, often these conflicts will turn to physical altercations between the child and the custodial parent and/or other family members who support the custodial parent. Boyfriends and girlfriends of HAP parents sometimes get involved an assist the HAP parent to discipline the child without fully understanding the previous history.

Unfortunately, most HAP parents, of course, will claim that the conflict between themselves and the child is caused by the non-custodial parent and will not admit that it is their own HAP behavior that is causing their child to behave in this manner.

Child runs away from the home of the custodial HAP parent or may refuse to return to the home of the HAP parent

Another sure sign that a child is being exposed to the influences of an HAP parent is when the child runs away from the custodial parent’s home and goes to the non-custodial parent’s home. A child who is having their physical and emotional needs by a custodial parent seldom has no need to run away as the custodial parent has all the power and control to protect them.

Sometimes the child may refuse to return and do such things as refuse to get out of the car when dropped back at the home of the custodial parent. Running away from an HAP parent’s home is one of the symptoms of reverse parental alienation where the child begins to develop a distain or even hatred of the HAP parent.

Children exposed to Hostile-Aggressive Parenting likely will demonstrate a number of behavioral problems as a result of their exposure to HAP ranging from minor to serious. These problems may be observable at school, in the home and in the community. Some studies have shown that as much as 85% of children with behavioral problems come from single parent (usually fatherless) homes.

Behavior problems associated with children of separation and divorce generally are the result of two contributing factors, both of which are closely connected to HAP parenting.

When children observe their HAP parent acting in an anti-social and aggressive manner over an extended period of time they often pick up on a number of these behaviors and over time, consider them to be socially acceptable.

Children are a product of their environment and do learn what they live. Children living under the influence of a hostile-aggressive parent may become themselves, selfish, self centred and have growing anger management difficulties as years pass on. Children who are being physically abused or yelled at constantly by a HAP parent will begin to deal with their own problems in the same manner, often hitting out at siblings or schoolmates.

Many of these negative behaviors are often observable at the child's school. HAP behaviors picked up by a child from the HAP parent will, in many cases, seriously affect a child's development and interfere with their ability to lead a normal and balanced life.

Some professionals may misdiagnose the child as having a conduct disorder and prescribe medication but, in reality, these professionals fail to realize that the child's own parent is instilling these types of negative and anti-social behaviors into the child.

Some young children who exhibit behavioral problems as a result of exposure to HAP parents do improve over the years. However, at least half or more get worse. Older children often develop a hostile, aggressive attitude as well as being disobedient and defiant to parents and authorities.

Often these children get involved in more violent physical fights and may start to use weapons. They may steal or lie, without any sign of remorse or guilt when they are found out. They refuse to follow rules and may start to break the law. Teenagers exposed to the influences of an HAP parent start to manipulate the parents so that they can get anything they want.

Remember, when children witness their HAP parent lie and deceive people and get away with it, then the child may develop the same attitude that if their parent can get away with it, then they can too.

Often, the parent who may have practiced HAP parenting when the child was younger, now find themselves held hostage to a child terrorist. HAP parents, fearful that the child may leave them and go to the other parent if they don’t get their way, often fall prey by letting the child set their own limits. The fear of losing child support payment, alone, is enough to make a parent ignore good parenting just to maintain their legal control over the child.

Many of these affected children get involved in criminal activities with their friends. They may steal cars, break into houses or shoplift. They may take risks with their health and safety by taking illegal drugs or having unprotected sexual intercourse.

Children are less likely to act out aggressively when their parents use more effective parenting techniques than those who rely on hostile-aggressive techniques such as reacting to their child’s wishes to have a reasonable relationship with their other parent with anger, and using negative rather than positive reinforcement to the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Professor Jamie McHale of Clark University headed a team of undergraduate and graduate students in the research project he called Families Through Time. The project examined coparenting relationships and how they can affect and predict the behavior of children from birth to preschool age.

The Families Through Time project extends prior research McHale did with Jeffrey Rasmussen from Purdue University. Here are the conclusions of this study which are available from the Clark  University Website:

• an understanding of what happens in the triadic relationship between mother, father and child during the child's infancy helps us to predict the child's patterns of coping with distress during the preschool years.
• the preschool children rated high by their teachers on a scale of hostile/aggressive behavior were more likely in infancy to have witnessed low levels of family harmony and a  hostile competitive coparenting environment.
• the preschool children rated high by their teachers on a scale of anxious-fearful behavior were more likely to have had in infancy a parent who was significantly under-involved.
• husbands from families that worked hard at promoting family harmony during the child's infancy were more likely to indicate approval of their wives when talking with the preschool child outside the mother's presence.
• wives from families that demonstrated a hostile-competitive family dynamic during the child's infancy were more likely to indicate disapproval of their husbands when talking with the preschool child outside the father's presence.
• preschool children relatively free of behavior problems were more likely to have fathers who strove to promote a strong sense of family and mothers who spoke positively to the child about the father even when he was not around.

(2) Behavioral problems caused by child’s unresolved anger and frustration from living under the control of an HAP parent

Some children develop behavior problems as a result of unresolved anger and frustration because of being forced to live under the control of a hostile and controlling parent. Too often, family courts place custody of the child in the hands of the wrong parent who is often the HAP parent.

Too often, the non-custodial parent is rendered helpless to assist the children and placed fully under the control of the custodial HAP parent. Children become angry and frustrated by the efforts of the HAP parent to further interfere with their relationship with the non-custodial parent. This anger and frustration develops into severe behavior problems which affect them at school and at home.

Behavioral problems caused by frustration and anger can only be effectively addressed when the children’s wishes and preferences are considered and the children provided the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with their non-custodial parent.

From an early age, children need security and safety. A young child who does not feel safe and is exposed to the behaviors of a hostile-aggressive parent may have significantly elevated levels of anxiety. This might show up in simple nervous behaviors (habits such as twirling hair or biting nails) or actually be seen in the development of phobias, panic disorders, and obsessive/compulsive disorders.

The anxiety that the child exhibits may be associated with a particular person or environment, or it may be more generalized with the child constantly feeling on edge or irritable.

Children may be afraid to talk about summer holidays or about future parenting periods for fear of saying something that may offend the custodial HAP parent. Young children often use avoidance to cope with this kind of anxiety or develop other symptoms such as nightmares, bed wetting, or physiological symptoms such as headaches or stomach distress.

A child who is living under the primary control of a hostile-aggressive parent is often threatened with punishment if they say something about the parent’s Hostile-Aggressive Parenting. To protect themselves from retribution by the HAP parent, children may become quiet, reserved and afraid to speak out about the HAP parent.

The child will find that by saying nothing, even if it means hiding abuse against them, keeps them out of further trouble with their hostile-aggressive parent. This type of behavior is not uncommon with children under 12 years of age. Children raised in this kind of environment often grow up lacking in self esteem and confidence and unable to compete in the working world.

Children living under the influence of an HAP parent may often experience difficulty with the HAP parent’s new partner. Sometimes this may be due to a personality conflict, but in many cases the HAP parent’s new partner will often support the HAP parent’s alienating behavior quite often as a result of the HAP parent having convinced his/her new partner that the other parent is the problem.

It must be remembered that HAP parents are masters of deception and one of the first things they do is to convince all the persons they associate with that they are the “good” parent and the other parent the “bad” parent. New partners, acting only on information given to them by the HAP parent, often in good faith, try to assist the HAP parent by trying to assume the role of parent, rather than step-parent.

The child knows the truth but only sees the new partner taking sides with the HAP parent which causes the child to be angry and defiant with the new partner as well. Often, conflict between an HAP parent’s new partner can have devastating effects of the dynamics within the family, sometimes totally destroying the family unit.

In many cases, children report being physically and emotionally abused by the HAP parent’s new partner.

Bed wetting and sleep disorders

Some children adversely affected by HAP parents may suffer from enuresis (bed wetting) with some affected children known to have wet their beds well beyond the time when most children are toilet trained. Some children abused by HAP parents have reported to have been still wetting their bed even as old as eight or nine years of age.

May become defensive or fearful when questioned about the hostile-aggressive parent’s behavior

Sometimes their body language will give these kids away. When questioned during an interview about the HAP parent, they may squirm, become easily distracted or use phrases such as “I don’t know” or “I want to go now” or “I don’t remember” or “I don’t want to talk about it”.

Some children may forget things that the HAP parent has done that other children or witnesses can clearly recall. Children under the primary care and control of a hostile-aggressive parent will often learn to say what the hostile-aggressive parent wishes them to say while they hide the truth as well as their real feelings.

These children know that their HAP parent is trying to hide the truth and that the child may be punished for telling the truth to others. Sometimes it is only the body language of these children that will give them away during an interview. May express to their teacher, a desire to share their school related work with their non-custodial parent or to ask for help contact the other parent.

Teachers at school, especially elementary school, may be faced with situations that they find strange when dealing with children being affected by a Hostile-Aggressive Parent.

Some of these situations may include:

• The child may tell the teacher that they would like to take their work from school to their non-custodial parent. The child may even ask to keep the work at school in order to get it directly to the non-custodial parent. They may not want their custodial parent to know about this.

Children in this situation are wanting to share their accomplishments at school with their non-custodial parent. Hostile-aggressive parents often will not share a child’s work with the other parent and quite often will destroy it out of spite.

• The child may tell the teacher that they don’t want a particular parent to be at the school.
• The child may ask school staff for help to use the phone to call their non-custodial parent.
• Drawings or notes may reveal the child’s hidden feelings such as unhappiness, anger at one or both parents, wishes to live with one parent, etc.

The child may disclose information to third parties about the behaviors of the HAP parent

A child may reveal to third parties such as teachers and other family members, specific details of some Hostile-Aggressive Parenting behaviors they have been exposed to.

Children will usually have the courage to speak up between the ages of 7 to 14 years of age with a number of factors influencing when a particular child may begin to speak up. Some of the most common things that children may speak out about may include such things as one parent saying bad things about the other parent or not being able to call the other parent on the phone.

The child may even tell third parties that they want to live with their other parent, rather than the one they live with now. This is a sign that the child is reaching out for help from others and has not developed a total fear of the hostile-aggressive parent as of yet. This situation must be handled delicately so as not to place the child at greater risk of abuse at the hand of the hostile-aggressive parent.

In most cases, the hostile aggressive parent may punish the child for exposing things that the hostile-aggressive parent was trying to keep a secret. Third parties must demonstrate that the child can trust them by not turning them back into the clutches of the HAP parent. The child may show greater affection to a parent/guardian contrary to the claims of the hostile-aggressive parent.

Hostile-aggressive parents will often attempt to paint a bad picture of the other parent/guardian to everyone they know so that they can turn others against that other person, often as part of a strategy to isolate that person from others in the community and to solicit the support of others to help isolate the child from the other parent. This strategy is most often used by custodial parents to turn school officials and babysitters against the non-custodial parent.

Hostile-aggressive parents will often say that the child’s relationship with the other parent is not good and that the child does better when he/she does not have contact with the other parent. This strategy is usually used when children are younger as it becomes more difficult for the HAP to continue these lies as the child becomes more aware which is usually above the age of 7 years of age.

However, when given the opportunity to see the child and the other parent together, many in the community find that the child and the other parent enjoy a loving relationship together, contrary to what they were told by the HAP parent.

A child who lives in a safe and secure environment, should never have a fear of telling the truth to anyone about his/her living and or parenting environment. Should a child express a fear for their physical or emotional safety and indicate that they are fearful of one parent knowing about them disclosing information, then this is another supporting sign that the parent who the child is afraid of is an HAP parent.

In some severe cases of Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, the hostile-aggressive parent may have been successful in implanting Parental Alienation in the child to the point where the child may express severe animosity, fear or even hate towards the non-custodial parent. In some cases, children will literally run away or hide should they accidentally meet the alienated parent in public such as on a street or in a store.

This reaction in children can be very misleading to those without knowledge of parental alienation and the brainwashing of children by hostile-aggressive parents. To those without knowledge, it could lead them to believe that the non-custodial parent is actually a bad parent or has abused the child.

Persons who witness a child, especially a young child speak very badly of another parent should consider the possibility that the child may be the victim of brainwashing. It is not normal for ANY child to express strong animosity toward a parent without very clear and understandable reasons.

Should the child’s animosity be directed towards a non-custodial parent, then this is usually further evidence that the custodial parent may be responsible for the child’s hate of the other parent. When children are carefully questioned however for details of why they hate their parent so much, that is when the truth usually starts to become apparent.

Seldom can children provide specifics to why they feel the way they do and only given general statements such as “ he/she used to hit me” or “he/she was mean to me.”

Parental alienation can be suspected when interviewers start to ask for specifics and the child’s recollection is vague or inconsistent. The pattern of the parent’s behaviors may also help one to determine if the child’s reaction is justified or if this behaviour has been implanted in the child by the custodial parent.

A change in the child’s personality toward one parent may be noticed when the child is in the presence of both parents. Such a situation may occur at a school function where both parents attend. Persons may notice that the child is very affectionate with one parent such as holding hands and appearing excited and happy. As soon as the hostile-aggressive parent comes on the scene, the child will suddenly stop showing their affection to the other parent.

The child recognizes the power that the custodial parent wields over them and in order to protect themselves, the child will hide the affection they would normally give to the non-custodial parent because they know the custodial parent will disapprove of this and may become angry.

It has been reported that children have committed suicide while living under the influence of an HAP parent.

A small number of children become so depressed and distraught about not being able to have a meaningful relationship with their other parent that they end up taking their own lives. Some children may cause physical injury to themselves such as cutting or burning themselves. The presence of HAP parenting in any household affected by divorce and/or separation must be carefully looked at whenever children show symptoms of hurting themselves or have thoughts of doing so.

Often these children are diagnosed by professionals as being suicidal, yet in many cases professionals are unable to relate the child’s suicidal thoughts to the behaviors of the HAP parent because in many cases the HAP parent is able to appear to the professional as being a wonderful and caring parent. The child may produce notes and drawings indicating sadness living with the HAP parent or indicating a desire to live with the non-custodial parent.

Children adversely affected by an HAP parent may sometimes make drawings or write notes where they express their sadness about the way they are being treated by an HAP parent. Sometimes they will write that they wished they were living with their other parent.

May show aggression towards the custodial parent especially at times just after returning back from parenting time with the non-custodial parent. A common reaction seen in children living in the care of a HAP custodial parent is that the child may exhibit anger and hostility towards the custodial parent when they return from the noncustodial parent’s home.

This, in a sense, is one of the symptoms of reverse parental alienation where the child begins to develop a distain or even a hatred of the HAP parent. Some children may fight, kick, spit and break things upon their return and generally be uncooperative with the custodial parent.

These children become angry because of being forced back into the care of a parent who they know is not as nice as the other parent. Often this reaction is caused because the child does not get to spend enough time with the non-custodial parent as the custodial parent will often do everything they can to keep time with the non-custodial parent to a bare minimum.

What is important to note is that in many cases, the HAP parent will claim that the aggression by the child is caused by the non-custodial parent. The HAP parent will often report that this aggressive behavior is happening when the child returns or during the days following the child’s return from the other parent’s home.

The HAP parent, knowing that it is difficult to hide the children’s behavioral problems blame the cause on the other parent in an attempt to hide their own abuse of the child. Often blaming the other parent is part of a well thought out strategy to get the court to further restrict the child’s time with the non-custodial parent and to further. Ultimately, this only makes the child even angrier at the custodial parent.

In addition to the personality related observations, children who may be physically abused by an HAP parent may exhibit a number of physical injuries such as:

a) Bruises or welts on their body or face (One should be especially concerned when bruises or welts would appear in various states of healing, in unusual patterns or clusters which would reflect the instrument or in multiple areas of the body);

b) Burns (cigar or cigarette burns, glove or sock-like burns on extremities, doughnut-shaped burns on buttocks, or any burn that shows the shape of the item used, such as an iron);

c) Bone fractures (spiral fractures of long bones without a history of twisting force as the cause, multiple fractures in various stages of healing, any fracture in a child under the age of two);

d) Internal injuries;

e) Lacerations and abrasions (especially around the mouth, lip, eye, or external genitalia);

f) Teeth marks from biting.

A child's sense of self can be negatively impacted when living under the control of an HAP parent. Levels of self-esteem (a child's positive view of him or herself) and appropriate self-confidence (a child's realistic view of their capabilities) are crucial to the ongoing psychological development and well-being of a child. When a parent or guardian assaults the child’s self-esteem using hostile aggressive behaviors, often this will negatively impact the child's developmental progress.

When a child has an impaired sense of self or a reduced sense of self-esteem, they are often unable to cope with situations in which there is increased stress. Exposure to HAP during developmental years can also have an impact when children need to separate or become independent from others in later years. The child may be subject to separation anxiety disorder at a later time in life.

Later in the child's development the child may have difficulty in defining his/her own boundaries or appreciating the needs and desires of others in their environment. In addition, children raised in an environment where he/she is being exposed to hostile-aggressive parenting may lack adequate self protectiveness and may at greater risk of being victimized or exploited by others.

HAP parenting and its relationship to ADHD in children Children being abused by an HAP parent often end up being wrongly diagnosed as having ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

Often, because of the emotional abuse that HAP parents inflict upon their children and the resulting behavior problems that result, many HAP parents take their children to doctors and get prescription drugs such a Ritalin prescribed to modify their child’s behavior, especially those children who begin to rebel against the HAP parent’s constant emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

Children under drugs such as Ritalin are often turned into walking zombies and become much more submissive to their HAP parent and easier to control by the HAP parent. A significant number of children end up being misdiagnosed with ADHD because the HAP parent does not disclose to the physician the true situation at home.

In most cases because the HAP parent is the custodial parent, the doctor is prevented from speaking to the child’s other parent, who in many cases could alert the doctor of the emotional abuse in the HAP parent’s home. Most HAP parents who have their children prescribed drugs such as Ritalin, place blame on the other parent or other factors, but never look at what their own HAP parenting is doing to their child.

HAP parents will ignore the long term heath risks to the child because to them, only their interests are what is important, not the long term health of even their own child. For another caring parent to be able to remedy the misdiagnosis it is important the doctor be made aware of the HAP behaviors that the child is being subjected to in the home of the HAP parent.

Once the child’s doctor is made aware of the abuse that the child is being subjected to, the doctor should ensure that no further medication be prescribed to the child until such time as he/she is certain that the abusive behaviors that the child may be subjected to by the HAP parent have ended.

SEVERE CASES OF Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP)

Legal Approaches

In the vast majority of cases, effective legal approaches will eliminate or at the very least, effectively control emotional and physical harm to children caused by Hostile-Aggressive Parenting.

It must be noted that in the vast majority of cases, the behavior of HAP parents will correct their behavior quickly once the watchful eye of the court or other specialists from the community who have knowledge of HAP have been brought into the case. One of the main problems is that in recent years the courts have become too lenient when dealing with hostile-aggressive behaviors with parents.

The courts failure to sanction those parents who are abusive to their children through HAP has actually resulted in a greater incidence of abuse against children caused by HAP. To effectively deal with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, the courts must apply positive motivators to reward parents for good parenting behavior as well as effective penalties to discourage Hostile-Aggressive Parenting.

Re-establishing a power balance between the HAP parent and the other parent is one of first, most crucial steps in stopping HAP behaviors as this allows the child to see that the HAP parent is no longer able to prevent the child from seeking meaningful help through the other parent (usually the non-custodial parent).

Parents who continue to expose their children to Hostile-Aggressive Parenting need to be warned by the court that if they do not end their hostile parenting patterns, court sanctions will be imposed upon them, including reversal of primary care or even custody of the child.

Court sanctions not only serve to "remind" the hostile parent to cooperate and to behave in a civil manner, but are very useful for the children as well. Effective sanctions set an example to the children and all family members that Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not acceptable behavior to our society and that the courts will not tolerate it.

When a child feels reassured that the system will protect him/her from their hostile-aggressive parent it will give the child the courage to express their love to the more reasonable parent and will ease the fear they might otherwise feel if they were to admit to the HAP parent that they themselves really want to see the other parent.

In such situations, the child can say what they know they must to satisfy the hostile parent’s need to feel that the children love them more than the other parent but knowing at the same time that the hostile parent must take them to see the other parent and that what they say to the hostile-aggressive parent will not be somehow used against the friendly parent.

Many times HAP parents will pressure the child to say that they don’t want to see the other parent. This of course is used as part of the strategy to justify what the child should not be seeing the other parent.

Unfortunately, in most communities there are a number of biased social workers and counselors who have no knowledge of HAP who will support the hostile-aggressive parent’s campaign to alienate the child from the other parent. Some of these workers have a personal background which has caused them to become biased.

It cannot be emphasized strongly enough that one of most powerful incentives to get the hostile-aggressive parent to act in the best interest of their child is through a collaborative approach from family, the community and the courts. This is a very important factor in providing the children of separation and divorce with the support mechanism, outside of their parents, they so desperately need.

Children are often afraid to express their wishes and preferences out of their fear of a custodial HAP parent. Generally, children want a relationship with both parents and need the help of the courts and the community to ensure this without the children themselves, having to say it.