3 Steps to Overcoming Self-Attacking Beliefs: An Authentic Life is Not a Linear ProcessBy Tama J. Kieves
Jul 2, 2007
a client of mine was sick of "having faith" while it seemed she slogged towards her dream in thick molasses. "I just
want to get there now," she screeched, scoffing at all her previous progress.
felt sad. This wasn’t the combustible kind of frustration that would help her take constructive bold action. Rather it seemed like she was stomping on all the flowers in the garden,
breaking the china in her house, ripping up poems & short stories & screaming about the mess.
the machete," I said. "You'll never grow by cutting yourself down." And we began to talk about timing.
Maybe you’ve noticed this already, but giving birth to
an authentic life isn't a linear process. It’s a jumbled, jubilant, mystical one. And it has its own timing.
is there for our benefit. We can’t see this thru furious eyes. But patience lends us curious eyes. And curious eyes
will often see meaning, mercy & majesty.
If you can’t
make a change, then change your attitude about where you are. There are times to leave abusive situations or
make abrupt changes. But those times have a life of their own & propel you into action.
not talking about those times. I’m talking about the times when you feel stuck & aren’t propelled
to move. Then it’s time to move from the inside-out, thru love & forbearance. You’ve probably heard that "what
you resist, persists."
here’s my addition: What you embrace, yields grace.
this path, we don't move forward by condemning our present lives. Maturation doesn't spring from lack, but from
abundance. I move forward when I'm spilling with love, not when I'm desperate, furious & pounding my fists.
edgy ego wants to slam the pedal to the floor & speed into the next part of life. But my soul is a sane
& caring being that gently puts the brakes on, shreds the map, shrouds me in fog & waits until I learn the mysteries
of this moment.
"There is much to love in this moment,"
she whispers," & you can't move on, until you move in to the moment & miracle before you."
So how do you embrace a seemingly imperfect life? You decide over & over & over again, not to attack it. Remind yourself, the timing is here for my benefit. This
moment is here for my benefit. I often ask myself, "If I knew I was exactly on track, what would I be focusing on right now
in order to be ready for what was to come?"
prompts me to take the positive actions I can take right now - & busies me with something other than watching
how someone 10 years younger than me seems to have it all together.
If you want to
work on embracing your current circumstances - watch out for these 3 self-attacking beliefs:
"I must be doing something wrong"
Many of us
look at circumstances in our lives as some kind of indictment that we’re doing something wrong. The eternal inner blamer
mutters, "Somehow if I were different things would have come thru." According to this insane adviser, everything mirrors our
deficiency. It never occurs to this wounded self that the Universe is demonstrating proficiency.
When I was writing This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love, I
harassed myself for taking years to complete the manuscript. Why couldn’t I write faster? Why did my chapters emerge
like stalactites? Was I defective or somehow sabotaging myself?
finally published THIS TIME I DANCE! Creating the Work You Love, I saw things differently. I witnessed
the economy’s abrupt change & massive layoffs which suddenly created a new & sizeable market of individuals
looking to create the work they love.
angels holding you back the whole time," remarks a dear friend & in retrospect I see the impersonal perfection
of the timing. I wasn’t writing too slowly. I was right on the fast track to grace.
"I’ll be stuck here forever"
we'll not embrace our lives is because we think that accepting is condoning or resigning. We think that if we stop fighting
our lives, we will settle into them like concrete and be stuck forever.
Tell the dreary fatalistic voice in your head to stop being so melodramatic. You're here in this moment.
This isn't the rest of your life. This situation is a stepping stone. It’s not set in stone. Nothing in life remains
static. Please show up with love in this moment, because love changes everything.
I had a client
who was afraid that if she showed up and loved her job (which she wanted to leave)
that somehow she’d get seduced into staying. Instead, she found that she wasn’t as angry all the time and she
felt more connected to her co-workers.
gave her more peace of mind and energy. Soon she found that she was being more creative in her free time and within 2 months, she
serendipitously found a way to leave her career and move to a different city and begin to pursue her heart’s desire.
"When I hated my job, I felt paralyzed and stuck," she says. "But somehow giving
positive energy to my job freed up my energy and helped me move on."
3) "This situation is holding
No situation is holding us back.
But we may hold ourselves back by rejecting our present circumstances and blocking our natural flow.
feeling like my client at different times, wanting so badly to move into the next part of my life, spitting with wildness.
"I’m done," I’d yell to no one in particular.
furious at myself for not being able to create the circumstances I wanted. "I’m done," I’d scream
again. "I’m done with this." But if I am still in a situation, then clearly I'm not yet done with it. Some very intelligent
part of me wants or needs to be here.
provides a benefit or allows me to grow in some vital way. I'm trying to tug the fruit off the vine. And as I tear at the
unripe, I tear myself up in the process. A true state of readiness radiates fullness, not impatience.
These days when I’m
in that space, I have to gently entice myself to look for where I might not be showing up fully in the situation. Where am I not in my strength and what could I do differently?
often the case that when I bring all of my strength to a situation, it transforms into a new situation.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving your
love and acceptance to your present circumstances. Bless the ground upon which you stand - and it becomes holy ground.
your life makes you strong, centered and focused and helps you grow inevitably into your next rightful expression. St Catherine of Siena said that "All the
way to heaven is heaven." I suspect she didn't feel delayed on her journey.
May you trust the mysterious, beautiful timing of your journey.